The Friend Zone

If there's a subject more likely to rile me up I haven't found it yet (ignoring wars and other crimes against humanity). There's just something about a person saying they have been friend zoned that just pisses me off so much.

The concept, for those of you who have managed to avoid this latest trend in whiny self absorbed nonsense, is that a guy likes a girl (and yes some girls complain of this too but it's 99% male) and she makes an innocuous comment about how much she values their friendship. Most people would be pleased that their friendship is valued, not the egocentric male he complains to his friends that he's been friend zoned. He spent time listening to her problems, he watched those shitty chick flicks with her, he even went shopping with her and has she dropped her panties and spread her legs? NO! The bitch friend zoned him. Now he has to keep pretending he gives a shit about her and her opinions and problems, now he has to pretend that he isn't imagining her and him in positions found in the Kama Sutra. He's just a friend.

This bout of self pity is then followed by what is called The Nice Guy Syndrome. That's when he utters the words most likely to make a woman's vagina sew itself shut "nice guys finish last". Because he inserted friendship into her and she didn't let him insert anything else. This also means that every guy she dates is a dick, that the nice guy she complains about not finding is right in front of her being ignored in favour of douches who will treat her badly.

Now there are a couple of reasons that a woman will friend zone a man.

1) She doesn't want to date him because she isn't attracted to him.

Now as someone who has had unrequited crushes I sympathise, You like them and they don't like you. Nothing much is going to change that. In time the person might suddenly develop feelings for you because it isn't about attractiveness (okay sometimes it is) but we all have types and if you don't tick the boxes all the whining in world won't change that.

2) She does like you but she's afraid of ruining your friendship.

This is an awkward situation, your task, should you choose to accept it, is to be there for them. Remain loyal, put your cards on the table and give them time to consider it. The best relationships stem from friendship, I'm engaged to my best friend and six years together we're happier than we've ever been. It won't be easy and in the end it might not work but you won't convince her you're a person to take a chance on if you turn passive aggressive and whiny in the face of her rejection.

3) She doesn't know you like her.

Lads I'm going to be honest with you and let you in on a secret. Women are not psychic. I know, shock horror. You might think that you're giving blatantly obvious signs that you want to dance the horizontal mambo with her but she might not see it that way. Unless you say something you will never know, I've seen far too many guys not say anything and assume that their subtle longing will be obvious. I've also seen girls ignore this because they don't pick up on the signs or in some cases they don't want to let them down because it's awkward and messy and nobody likes awkward and messy.

ASK HER OUT!

You might just make it out of the "friend zone" that way.

If you don't well these things happen. Please don't whine about it. As a woman who has apparently friend zoned guys (because I'm not attracted to them and nothing will change that...and once because I was already in a relationship) there is nothing more aggravating than a guy complaining that he is your friend. Be hurt, be self pitying but for the love of all that is holy don't whine about it in public. You're essentially saying that you don't get sex so you're not interested in being friends, that you feel you wasted all your time pretending to give a damn. You might not mean it that way but that's how it feels. I value my friendships and if a guy starts whining like that I'm left wondering how much of it was real.

If we can drop the whole "friend zone" bullshit maybe these so called nice guys might actually get a date once in a while, after all whiny is not an attractive quality in anybody.

Introverted Me

Introvert.
There are so many misconceptions concerning the term introvert.
Shy. Awkward. Rude. Unsociable. People hater.
I'm not really any of these things, not much anyway.

So what is an introvert?
Well I can't speak for everyone but I can say this. I like people. I like being around people, sometimes.

The sometimes is what makes a person an introvert.

Extroverts love being around people, they gain energy from interacting with people. Introverts enjoy company but find it all very tiring.

Imagine if you will the rechargeable battery. One battery is introverted, the other extroverted.
Put the extroverted battery in a room by itself and its charge will run low. Place it in a room with other batteries close by and it will begin to charge itself.
The introverted battery is not necessarily comfortable surrounded by too many other batteries and its charge will drop. Once it has spent some time alone though it will recharge.

Now I know I said that introverts aren't necessarily awkward or unsociable, generally we're not. If I spend time with friends at a maximum I want to be around four maybe five people at once, any more and I begin to feel uncomfortable. Especially if I don't know the people that well.
I enjoy myself, being around people, talking to them, I can laugh and joke and carry on conversations but after an hour or so I want to go home. I want to be by myself.

I like my own company, I don't get lonely being by myself. The only time I get lonely is when I have no option to spend time with people, but I suppose that on a sliding scale of introversion I'm not at the bottom end of the scale.

Extroverts hate being alone for too long. They need people, they have huge groups of friends and can go out every night with them without feeling tired.

This past weekend family visited and the day after I just wanted to avoid people, even the ones I live with. I'd had my fill of human interaction and any more would just start to cripple me.

I have a feeling this is becoming more confusing than explanatory.

What introversion is can be confusing and generally society doesn't deal well with introverts. Ever read an article about a spree killer, 99% of the time the person is described as quiet. The implication being that their being an introvert makes them weird, more likely to go insane and kill a lot of people. Extroverts don't enter a crowded building and start shooting.

"It's always the quiet ones" another popular saying that portrays introverts as someone likely to go off the deep end. Somehow sociopathy and psychopathy have become confused with introversion. I'm a gentle soul, I hate violence, I'm a pacifist. If anyone is going to go mad and start killing people it won't be me. I just have a personal bubble that I don't like people entering.

In fact I can honestly say there is one person I enjoy cuddling (and even then there are times when I'd rather not) my fiance. I will give hugs to close friends and family but anything longer than ten seconds and I start to feel uncomfortable. Please don't sit close to me, don't touch me without permission, don't hug me first. Sit next to me at a respectable distance, sit and read with me or watch a movie, I'll be happy with that. Just don't expect me to welcome you into my personal bubble any time soon.

Society can understand the extrovert, the person who goes out to clubs and parties and is the life and soul of the party. The person with a lot of friends. These people are rewarded by society, they are considered normal. Introverts are weird, "it's not normal to want to be by yourself", "what are you doing by yourself in that room?", "why don't you go out like normal people?" it's assumed that we won't find love, we will die of old age surrounded by a dozen cats and nobody will know our name. No family, no children, no friends. The loner who lures children into their house made of sweets and fattens them up to eat.

So what is an introvert? Just someone who doesn't need people to be happy. Understand this and you understand how to interact with us and hopefully this means less assuming we're serial killers.

Hopefully.