The Friend Zone

If there's a subject more likely to rile me up I haven't found it yet (ignoring wars and other crimes against humanity). There's just something about a person saying they have been friend zoned that just pisses me off so much.

The concept, for those of you who have managed to avoid this latest trend in whiny self absorbed nonsense, is that a guy likes a girl (and yes some girls complain of this too but it's 99% male) and she makes an innocuous comment about how much she values their friendship. Most people would be pleased that their friendship is valued, not the egocentric male he complains to his friends that he's been friend zoned. He spent time listening to her problems, he watched those shitty chick flicks with her, he even went shopping with her and has she dropped her panties and spread her legs? NO! The bitch friend zoned him. Now he has to keep pretending he gives a shit about her and her opinions and problems, now he has to pretend that he isn't imagining her and him in positions found in the Kama Sutra. He's just a friend.

This bout of self pity is then followed by what is called The Nice Guy Syndrome. That's when he utters the words most likely to make a woman's vagina sew itself shut "nice guys finish last". Because he inserted friendship into her and she didn't let him insert anything else. This also means that every guy she dates is a dick, that the nice guy she complains about not finding is right in front of her being ignored in favour of douches who will treat her badly.

Now there are a couple of reasons that a woman will friend zone a man.

1) She doesn't want to date him because she isn't attracted to him.

Now as someone who has had unrequited crushes I sympathise, You like them and they don't like you. Nothing much is going to change that. In time the person might suddenly develop feelings for you because it isn't about attractiveness (okay sometimes it is) but we all have types and if you don't tick the boxes all the whining in world won't change that.

2) She does like you but she's afraid of ruining your friendship.

This is an awkward situation, your task, should you choose to accept it, is to be there for them. Remain loyal, put your cards on the table and give them time to consider it. The best relationships stem from friendship, I'm engaged to my best friend and six years together we're happier than we've ever been. It won't be easy and in the end it might not work but you won't convince her you're a person to take a chance on if you turn passive aggressive and whiny in the face of her rejection.

3) She doesn't know you like her.

Lads I'm going to be honest with you and let you in on a secret. Women are not psychic. I know, shock horror. You might think that you're giving blatantly obvious signs that you want to dance the horizontal mambo with her but she might not see it that way. Unless you say something you will never know, I've seen far too many guys not say anything and assume that their subtle longing will be obvious. I've also seen girls ignore this because they don't pick up on the signs or in some cases they don't want to let them down because it's awkward and messy and nobody likes awkward and messy.

ASK HER OUT!

You might just make it out of the "friend zone" that way.

If you don't well these things happen. Please don't whine about it. As a woman who has apparently friend zoned guys (because I'm not attracted to them and nothing will change that...and once because I was already in a relationship) there is nothing more aggravating than a guy complaining that he is your friend. Be hurt, be self pitying but for the love of all that is holy don't whine about it in public. You're essentially saying that you don't get sex so you're not interested in being friends, that you feel you wasted all your time pretending to give a damn. You might not mean it that way but that's how it feels. I value my friendships and if a guy starts whining like that I'm left wondering how much of it was real.

If we can drop the whole "friend zone" bullshit maybe these so called nice guys might actually get a date once in a while, after all whiny is not an attractive quality in anybody.